Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.