[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*launders Kohls cash*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
three things we don’t talk about
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”