I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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That earthquake could have been an email.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
put ‘er there pardner!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.