I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then