I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
man: wait
time: no
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”