Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no