Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod