hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
How funny!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”