Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
bias laundering edition
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I WON A HAM TODAY