I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I love it all
So true for me
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not