Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”