If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.