Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.