*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.