My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
You Might Also Like
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My nickname in high school was “who?”
#CoronaOutbreak
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream