Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You Might Also Like
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.