My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.