When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
plant them where lol
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods