me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Twitter fine art
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?