NOT all policemen are strippers.
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.