Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.