Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!