Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
It’s an epidemic…
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Nice try Hitler
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.