*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.