Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
channeling her this year
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
So we got a goldfish…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure