Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor