OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.