on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
my first day as a raccoon
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My kitchen overserved me.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.