Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
You Might Also Like
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back