Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*has no idea what a book even is*
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.