I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.