I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
wow
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”