Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Science memes
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Is this you?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.