[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Why are bridges so flammable.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy