ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Ugh but profoundly
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.