A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim