[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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WTF IS AN ACRONYM
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
describing stardew valley
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate