How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!