I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
You Might Also Like
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I love it all
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
why I oughta
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E