My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
You Might Also Like
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.