How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
How animals would run if they were human
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The internet is full of many things
Can’t stop laughing
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE