Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?