The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”