Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
looks legit
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My safe word is Worcestershire
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.