You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash