I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Guys, I found it.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
shit just got real
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids