ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.