There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.