[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume