I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.